When it comes to religion I’m pretty much a ‘whatever floats your boat’ kinda guy. That being said, the more strict/fundamentalist (aka crazy) you are the less likely I am to have anything to do with you. While the religious right might be amusing to watch on TV and make fun of, they are not the kind of people you wanna split a bottle of vodka with. High up on the list of religious sects that I avoid are the Mormons. Aside from their weird beliefs and missionaries that brainwash poor people all over the world, they seem to have a certain ‘eyes glazed over by the glory of God’ look that just weirds me out.
With this in mind you can imagine how fascinated and scared I was to learn that the another intern in my office was a Mormon. I quickly learned that he was the real deal. From Utah, goes to Brigham Young University, never stops smiling, makes awkward small talk in the morning when I’m OBVIOUSLY hung-over and want to be left alone (I swear they have a sixth sense about knowing when to bug you to piss you off the most), etc. He fits in perfectly with the incredibly awkward group of people that madeup my office, yet I still wonder everyday who the hell let him out of Utah?
While weird shit happened pretty much everyday, I’ll give you some of the highlights. First, the church quartet. Since he’s only in DC for the summer as an intern he’s found temporary spiritual relief at some church that’s too far away for any sane person to go to. Apparently he joined a singing quartet (even though when asked if he sings his response is- Well… I guess I do now). In what can only be described as the most awkward invitations ever he invited a bunch of people to come watch. Since the office was silent I could hear everyone’s awkward scramble to make up an excuse not to go, and I silently prayed that he wouldn’t ask me. Thank God (not the Mormon God) he didn’t.
Later I overheard (and I overheard all of this since I don’t ACTUALLY talk to people in my office) him asking about some bullshit paper he was going to write. The thing that scared me most was his apparent interest in contacting a lobbyist group that supported ‘the movement to keep the family unit together’ since he was still concerned about the whole ‘Prop 8 thing’. I was tempted to ask him if I could marry my boyfriend at his church and then maybe take on another couple of husbands later, but I felt it would be crossing a line even for me.
The culmination of my awkward Mormon stories was far and away the 4th of July. Why you might ask? Because he proposed to his girlfriend! While I wish them nothing but happiness in Utah, I found a few parts of the whole story hysterical. Let’s start with the fact that he met her during a FIVE DAY LONG CHURCH PAGEANT. Jesus Christ even Ben Hur kept it under four hours. So after about a year or so of what must have been some old fashioned ‘courting’ he popped the question in a park near Rochester where apparently Joseph Smith saw Christ the Lord Our Savior or something like that and set the whole Mormonia thing into motion.
With this in mind you can imagine how fascinated and scared I was to learn that the another intern in my office was a Mormon. I quickly learned that he was the real deal. From Utah, goes to Brigham Young University, never stops smiling, makes awkward small talk in the morning when I’m OBVIOUSLY hung-over and want to be left alone (I swear they have a sixth sense about knowing when to bug you to piss you off the most), etc. He fits in perfectly with the incredibly awkward group of people that madeup my office, yet I still wonder everyday who the hell let him out of Utah?
While weird shit happened pretty much everyday, I’ll give you some of the highlights. First, the church quartet. Since he’s only in DC for the summer as an intern he’s found temporary spiritual relief at some church that’s too far away for any sane person to go to. Apparently he joined a singing quartet (even though when asked if he sings his response is- Well… I guess I do now). In what can only be described as the most awkward invitations ever he invited a bunch of people to come watch. Since the office was silent I could hear everyone’s awkward scramble to make up an excuse not to go, and I silently prayed that he wouldn’t ask me. Thank God (not the Mormon God) he didn’t.
Later I overheard (and I overheard all of this since I don’t ACTUALLY talk to people in my office) him asking about some bullshit paper he was going to write. The thing that scared me most was his apparent interest in contacting a lobbyist group that supported ‘the movement to keep the family unit together’ since he was still concerned about the whole ‘Prop 8 thing’. I was tempted to ask him if I could marry my boyfriend at his church and then maybe take on another couple of husbands later, but I felt it would be crossing a line even for me.
The culmination of my awkward Mormon stories was far and away the 4th of July. Why you might ask? Because he proposed to his girlfriend! While I wish them nothing but happiness in Utah, I found a few parts of the whole story hysterical. Let’s start with the fact that he met her during a FIVE DAY LONG CHURCH PAGEANT. Jesus Christ even Ben Hur kept it under four hours. So after about a year or so of what must have been some old fashioned ‘courting’ he popped the question in a park near Rochester where apparently Joseph Smith saw Christ the Lord Our Savior or something like that and set the whole Mormonia thing into motion.
"Five days? Fuck you buddy."
My immediate thought upon hearing all this was ‘You look like a baby. You can’t start having them!’ It admittedly was kinda cute the way he was all excited and happy, but I kinda laughed a lot when he said, ‘Yeah its so exciting. I’m sure there is so much we are gonna learn about each other.’ Uh huh… like what the other one looks like without clothes on?
The next day all had seemingly returned to normal when I heard the unmistakable screeching of someone’s kid. Kids never belong in an office, EVER. For the love of God just keep them sedated back home where the rest of the world doesn’t have to deal with them. So I hear these little spawn making noise over in the next little cubical area thing, and the voice of what had to have been their mother. When the boy started screaming if everyone had heard ‘the big news’ I knew there were more Mormons in the office, and they had brought the next generation of crazy (aka MORMAYHEM!). Being the quick thinker I am, I grabbed my headphones and pretended to work in the hopes that I would be spared the inevitable awkward introduction to people I will never see again, never remember the names of, and probably don’t want to meet in the first place. My plan worked, and I was able to sneak out for the day a happy heathen.
The point of all this is twofold. One, crazy religious people scare me and are REALLY fun to make fun of. Two, Mormonism is on the rise! Keep your intellectual guard up, but never be afraid to listen to their hysterical stories.
P.S. Has anyone ever met a Gideon? While we are on the topic of religion I might as well see if anyone has seen these spiritual ninjas. Every hotel Bible says it ‘was placed here by a Gideon’. When? Ever seen a Gideon? No. Ever met a Gideon? No. But they’re all over the world putting Bibles in hotel rooms. If anyone has seen these mysterious people of the faith will you please let me know?
P.P.S. Have you heard about mormon underwear? OMG I WANT TO SEE THIS IN REAL LIFE. They are "viewed as an either symbolic or literal source of protection from the evils of the world." I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Newsflash to the Muslim world- you can ditch the head to toe burkas guys. The Mormons have everything you need to resist temptation because there is no way in HELL that anyone could be tempted by a person in these hideous undergarments.
1, I have seen a Gideon, they passed out some bibles at my middle school. 2, All Marriot Hotels have Books of Mormon in them as well. 3, Because he goes to church, sings in the choir and wants a kid doesn't make him a crazy religious person. It makes him religious. 3, send this guy my way cause I would love to talk to him about Prop 8 stuff! 4, weird beliefs? Mormons don't have any beliefs that are stranger than any other religion. I mean really Catholics vehemently defend the Virgin Mary like none other and yet Christ is the only begotten of God, I mean really!?! like that isn't weirder than anything else we Mormons have?
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